Letting go

This post is written by Birth Kalamazoo's Beth Hawver, CD(DONA)

Reading Ina May Gaskin’s new book, "Birth Matters," I was struck by a passage in one of the birth stories. A woman recalls a moment during her labor when her midwife says: “Your body is about to teach something to your mind.” I kept thinking about those words, and their inherent power and wisdom. As a birth doula, childbirth instructor and natural birth advocate, this might just sum up most of what I try to communicate to women and families.

We’re always talking about letting go, letting your body take over and using the primal part of your brain. But how do you teach someone how to do this? In my own births, did I consciously let go, or did it just happen to me? I believe it was the latter. Most of us have rarely – if ever – been able to access that deep, instinctual part of ourselves. We don’t use it. We live in a thinking society that struggles to turn off our brain. When we do choose to turn it off, it’s usually in the form of mindless entertainment, numbing drugs, or giving our power away to someone else – not turning inward and within.

When I think about many women who enter their childbearing year, they so often turn their power over to others, fueled by fear of pain and lack of information. Those who become informed and know their options tend to have read books such as Henci Goer's “The Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth” and have usually taken independent childbirth classes full of information about interventions, choices and the natural process. But after all this necessary and vital preparation, how do you let it all go? Especially when it’s something you’ve never done?

I often tell women in my life how with labor and birth, most women need to lose control, and you never know what you’re going to get. This sounds confusing. Then why all this preparation? Why am I reading all these books and investing so much when I have no control over it anyway? I remind them about stacking their deck. Now is the time to stack the deck, not during labor. Every choice you make during those months your babe is in-utero, you are increasing your odds of getting the birth you hope for. Every time you eat that kale soup or Greek yogurt, every time you take a walk, every time you show up to birth class when your exhausted and really just want to stay home, when you change providers… With every informed choice you make – from caring for your body to knowing your options – you have contributed to your deck. You have increased the odds. Labor is the time to let go, and you need a safe place to do it.

It can be overwhelming to think about all the things you have to remember to do, to not do, the questions to ask, the positions to remember. But you don’t have to remember. You don’t have to know everything about labor and birth. You just have to do two things. One, surround yourself with people you trust and whom you can ask. Two, release. It comes down to protecting your birth space, which includes who you let in/ having the right people there, and being in an environment that gives you the best possible chance of turning your brain off and allowing the experience to catch you. Who can best hold that space for you when you drift off?

It’s not always quite so simple, but those two elements will certainly help you protect your space so that you can find your authentic self, your primal you. Mammals often birth in seclusion. They need privacy, darkness and safety to be able to release their bodies. Consider the things you might need to let go…..

Ways to encourage your primal self:

• Watch videos of mammals birthing.

• Stay in the moment. Let go of thoughts of yesterday or tomorrow. Focus on right here, right now. Focus on this breath, this birth.

• Meditation, guided meditation, positive affirmations, and simple mantras can be helpful. Reading an excerpt from “25 Ways to Awaken Your Birth Power” or repeating phrases like “Ooooooopen,” “Down and Out...” “Come baby, come…” can be helpful during labor.

• Quiet your mind’s chatter by having an object of focus: a song, birth art, a mantra, your breath.

• Surround yourself with others who believe in your power, trust birth, can answer questions, have seen the miracle unfold, and who can protect your space.

What do new mothers need?

What do new mother's need in those tender postpartum days? We examined that topic at a recent "Birth Matters" meeting here in Kalamazoo. Here's the list our birth and postpartum doulas came up with... Anything you would add? What did you need as a new mother?

What New Mothers Need

(in no particular order)

1) Meals! (preparing them for her or organizing others to do so)

2) Housework. (dishes, sweeping and mopping, toilets and shower – ask her!)

3) Your ear. (a safe, nonjudgmental space to share her emotions and, if needed, process her birth)

4) Community. (moms groups, mommy-baby activities, friendships)

5) Entertainment for older siblings. (play with them, bath them, read to them, take

them to and from school)

6) Self care. (permission to take care of herself with baths or naps, the time to do so, and space to ask for help when she needs it)

7) Visitors. (figure out what she needs and respect boundaries about how long to stay)

8) Breastfeeding support. (from her partner, family and friends, doula, an IBCLC lactation consultant; encouragement that, by and large, the human breast still works!)

9) Space to mourn her old life. (if she needs to do so, say goodbye to her old life and embrace her new and beautiful, but often intense world)

10) Courage to follow her heart. (unless the baby is in danger, she doesn’t necessarily have to do what her best friend/mom/grandma/doctor suggests… embrace the new world of making informed decisions that feel right in her own heart)

11) Support for her partner, too! (postpartum depression for dads is very real, he may need time and space and someone to care for him so that he can stay strong and helpful to her... the same holds true for same-sex partners, of course)

12) Ask her! (every woman, every baby, every postpartum experience is unique, and women's needs vary... offer suggestions, ask how you can help and be ready to respond!)

Birth Kalamazoo honors mothers!

In honor of Mother's Day, Kimmelin Hull of Lamaze's Science and Sensibility blog recently asked birth professionals to share how they honor mothers. We are so blessed to work with such amazing women, here is how we try to honor them in all we do.

Birth Kalamazoo honors mothers!

In our childbirth education classes, we honor mothers by helping them know that their bodies were made for birth, and teaching them time-honored techniques (shared by other mothers!) to help them navigate their own journey. We teach them that there is no one “right” way to birth, and that they are strong and amazing. We honor mothers by preparing their partners to support them on the birth journey and beyond, to surround them in love and support. We teach them to avoid unnecessary interventions but embrace them in the rare circumstances where they might prudent. We help them understand that on the occasions when a birth veers away from the original plan, as mothers they still have choices and are deserving of kindness and respect. We connect them with other strong, amazing mothers who talk about birth with reverence and show them that it truly can be done without excessive technology. We teach them that birth is an amazing passage to be embraced, not feared.

As birth doulas, we honor mothers by walking beside them on the birth journey. We encourage them to trust their bodies and the process, and to find their own way through this intense, amazing passage. We hold their hands, rub their backs, sit quietly, pour water, wipe brows, offer reassurance, suggest positions, or simply stand back. We help their partners recognize what’s normal and that she is doing well, and to figure out how they can best help her on the journey. When needed, we offer gentle suggestions. We affirm that mothers are strong and amazing, and we help them find their strength and voice. We let them know there are options and we trust their decision making process. We support them unconditionally, without judgment. We honor mothers by celebrating with them, crying with them and holding their space. We surround them in love.

As lactation consultants, we honor mothers with evidence-based breastfeeding classes that acknowledge common pitfalls but also celebrate all that is right and beautiful with breastfeeding, not just all that can be difficult. We help them to realize that the human breast works! We know that they are strong and amazing, and we help them recognize that too. We connect women with community resources that can support them on this journey and help them find other like-minded mothers. When there are challenges, we come to their homes, listen to their worries and offer gentle, customized, expert guidance to help them achieve nursing success. We ease their fears, and help them recognize and cope with the occasional serious problem. We honor mothers by celebrating the beauty of breastfeeding!

As postpartum doulas, we honor mothers by nurturing them as they become mothers. We listen and encourage without judgment, offering support and evidence-based information. We share tips and tricks for baby care, from diapering to feeding and bath time. We help women wear their babies so they can have a free hand every now and then! We take care of the “little things” around the house that no one else might notice, but you can bet the mother has been noticing. We reassure them that they are strong and amazing mothers! We entertain and wear out big brothers and sisters, then offer tips on how moms can do the same while still caring for the baby and staying sane. We honor mothers by making sure she is eating well, resting and feeling as centered as possible as she enters into this new phase of her life. We honor new mothers by loving them up!

We honor mothers, and we are so very honored to serve them.

Call me counterculture

A local nurse midwife recently attended one of Birth Kalamazoo's meetings and declared afterward that she was glad to see the birth counterculture was alive and well.

Counterculture? At first I was a little taken aback by the term. Really? That made us sound so... Ahem... Hippie-ish.

Then I stopped to think more deeply. Are the things we discuss truly counterculture? We call for respect for birthing women. We want families to have evidence-based information about the risks and benefits of interventions. We trust women to make informed decisions about their bodies and their babies. We believe in the sacredness of the birth space. We see birth, in most cases, as a normal, natural process — not a disaster waiting to happen. We honor women's right to choose where and with whom they give birth. Are these such crazy ideals? How can they be counterculture?

As I've continued to mull the midwife's comment, I've come to realize that of course, she's exactly right. We sometimes get caught up in our supportive birth bubble, but in reality, what we are doing really is counterculture. It's a pretty sad commentary to realize that as a whole, our maternity care system does not respect birthing women and doesn't often provide truthful information about risks and benefits. Our system doesn't trust families to make their own informed decisions, and it certainly doesn't believe in any sort of sacred birth space. Birth is definitely not seen as a normal, natural process. And by and large, women who go outside the traditional system are not respected in their choice of where and with whom to birth.

There are oases of quality, evidence-based, respectful care. Absolutely. But sadly, they too are counterculture.

So I've decided I'm ready to own that label. I've never been one to delight in making waves, but this boat truly needs some rocking. Around the world, it feels like there's a growing groundswell of support for quality maternity care and a return of respect and reverence to the birth space. New films, blogs, journal articles, book and a variety of organizations are all drawing attention to the critical issues facing our ailing maternity care system. The choir of voices is growing, we feel it in our own community too.

I do believe things are changing, but we have so very far to go, and we face so many obstacles. We'll get there eventually.

Until then, call me counterculture.



Jessica